Most of us have had the experience of thinking we clearly communicated our ideas, only to find out later that we were completely misunderstood. Why does this happen and what can we do to prevent it?

THE PROBLEM

Nine times out of ten, miscommunication occurs because our non-verbal message doesn’t match our words. We have said the words we want the other person to hear, but our tone of voice and body language don’t match the words.

There have been many studies on how much of our communication is verbal vs. non-verbal. Most experts agree that 55% of what we communicate is body language, 38% tone of voice, and only 7% the words.

That’s not to say that if you are making a presentation in front of an audience your words matter less than your body language. Of course our words matter!

However, what the studies do show is that if there is a disconnect between your words and your non-verbal communication, the other person will hear your non-verbal message over your words.

When you’ve been in conflict or had numerous disagreements with another person, you will not be able to get to a place of mutual understanding if your non-verbal communication doesn’t match your words. This is because the truth of how we’re really feeling always comes out in the non-verbal part of communication!

SO, WHY NOT JUST KEEP A POKER FACE?

We have all met people who are very skilled at keeping a “poker face” If you are one of those people, you might believe that this is helping others to focus only on your words. But this is not true! Human beings are complex, and we are always looking for the full “gestalt.” If we don’t get the full picture from the other person (both verbal and non-verbal), we will finish the gestalt ourselves.

GESTALT PSYCHOLOGY IN A NUTSHELL

Gestalt psychology theory proposes that what is ‘seen’ is what appears to the seer and not what may ‘actually be there.’ Gestalt psychology also proposes that the nature of a unified whole is not understood by analyzing its parts. Learning is thought to be a process of reorganizing a whole situation, often involving insight as a critical factor. This is in stark contrast to the behavioral psychology view that learning consists of associations between stimuli and responses.

Gestalt experiments show that the brain does not act like a sponge (i.e., a passive receiver of information) but instead actively filters, structures, and matches all incoming information against known patterns to try to make sense of it.

WHY SHOULD YOU CARE?

If you want to increase your chances of being understood by another person, your non-verbal communication must match your words. Keeping a poker face won’t achieve that goal. The other person will take the tiniest non-verbal cue and make assumptions about the intent or emotion behind it. If you don’t want the other person to make assumptions about what you’re really thinking or feeling, you have to give them the whole picture yourself.

Remember, if the words and non-verbals don’t match, the other person will believe the non-verbals. If you have a poker face, the person will go into their past experiences and try to make sense of your neutral expression. Depending on their past experience, they might conclude that you’re angry with them, that you don’t care about what they’re saying, or that you’re completely disengaged from the conversation.

SO, WHAT DO I DO IF I’M FRUSTRATED BUT DON’T WANT TO SHOW IT?

There are many situations in the workplace (and in life!) where we may not want to show our true feelings. The problem is, feelings always shine through! If you don’t want to show your frustration you must find a way to work through it so that the primary emotion you are actually feeling in the conversation is something positive.

• Studies show that if there is a disconnect between your words and your non-verbal communication, the other person will hear your non-verbal message over your words.

It takes a clear intention and a good dose of self-awareness to do this. Think about the best boss you ever had. Did that person always show their frustration, or did they carefully choose the moments where they would demonstrate their frustration? How did that person influence you? What made you want to follow them? I would venture a guess that the best boss you ever had was a good communicator. You trusted that what they said is what they meant. And, even if you didn’t know it at the time, that happened because their non-verbal communication matched their words.

When you’re frustrated or angry with another person, the trick is to shift your internal mindset about the situation vs. trying to mask your feelings. Masking your feelings never works. The other person will see right through it.

If you want to be understood by the other person, you have to be willing to understand them and their point of view first. If you go into each and every conversation with the belief that all perspectives are valid and that you might have something to learn from the other person, you will not be feeling angry and frustrated during the conversation. You will automatically have an open posture. This open posture has the potential to influence the other party in a positive way. If, on the other hand, you say “I respect your views,” but in your mind you are actually thinking “This person is an idiot,” what message do you think that person will actually receive?

TIPS FOR ENSURING THAT YOUR NON-VERBAL COMMUNICATION MATCHES YOUR WORD

1. Empathy and Compassion

Having empathy and compassion for people we have had ongoing conflicts with, or who we have decided we just don’t like, is no easy task. However, it’s crucial to changing the dynamic between the two of you into a positive working relationship. It’s one of the best ways to ensure that your words and non-verbal communication match.

The first step towards having empathy and compassion for another person is to understand what might be driving their behavior. You don’t have to know for sure if you’re right. You just have to be willing to believe that the motivation for their behavior could be something other than “They’re out to get me” or “They’re just trying to make my life difficult.”

2. Openness

Find your own method of getting to your most balanced, open, and willing to listen mindset before an anticipated difficult conversation. If you’re truly calm, the calm will come through. It can be as simple as taking a deep breath.

3. Choose How You Want to Show Up in the Conversation

If you find yourself getting frustrated with someone in the moment, and you don’t have time to prepare for a conversation with them, there is one key question you can ask yourself that can turn things around instantly:

“How do I want to show up in this situation?”

By asking that question, you are setting an intention for yourself to be your best self in that moment. You will be surprised by how quickly this question can shift you into a more positive mindset (which will then change your body language).

Gail Finger is an executive coach and facilitator known for her ability to get communication unstuck. She has a proven track record of helping individuals to resolve conflict, getting teams functioning at the highest level, and helping leaders to be able to effectively coach and mentor others while making the hard decisions. Gail can be reached at gail@fingerconsulting.com