Have you ever had an employee who felt entitled to a promotion just for showing up to work? Have you ever had a boss who yelled at people? Have you ever had a coworker who filed so many grievances that you did everything to avoid interacting with them?

I’ve been interested in what makes people feel victimized, powerless and disengaged since my undergraduate days and, although I don’t claim to have all the answers, I’ve learned a few things along the way that have helped my clients (and me!) to shift the outcomes in these kinds of situations. We don’t have to go the way of the ram!

You’re not alone

• We can never have control over another. However, we can influence others.

These sticky situations are more common than any of us would like to believe and I don’t think our world will ever be devoid of them, so we might as well have some coping mechanisms.

The title of this article might lead you to think that I believe the problem is all with the other party. But that’s not the case. A mentor of mine once said: “If you are the one who is suffering, you are the one who has the problem.” It’s not that the other person has no responsibility; of course they do. But the bottom line is, we only have control over our own thoughts and behavior. We can never have control over another but we can influence.

All of us get into a victim mindset from time to time. It’s part of the human condition.  The trick is to have awareness when we are falling into a victim mindset and to find a way to shift our thinking so we don’t have to feel powerless any more.

Many of you might be thinking: I didn’t start reading this article to change my attitude; I need to change the attitude of the other person! But we can only influence another person when we have self-awareness and are willing to see things from the other person’s perspective. This means taking some time to make sure our own attitudes aren’t part of the problem.

Taking a different view leads to options for change

The best way to shift how things go with someone you have tagged as “difficult” is to ask yourself a few key questions. For example:

1. Why am I reacting so strongly to this person?

When we react strongly to another person’s behavior it’s typically because we perceive the behavior as an attack on our integrity or our values. You might even believe that the person is purposely trying to make your life difficult. If you find yourself having a strong negative reaction to someone, ask yourself why you are reacting that way. Having greater self-awareness about your reaction will give you information on how to influence the situation.

2. What are my assumptions about this person’s motivation?

Often, when an employee files a grievance, doesn’t pull their weight, or behaves in ways that cause tension on the team, we feel victimized by that person. It’s a normal reaction. In response, we might choose to avoid the situation, file our own grievance, try to make their lives as miserable as they are making ours, give them a “good talking to”, yell at them, or fire them. There are many alternative ways to respond and having self-awareness will help you to be discerning and wise about what you choose to do.

3. Do I understand the other person’s perspective?

Have you taken the time to ask yourself how the other person views you and your part in the situation? Understanding the other person’s perspective can be extremely helpful in coming up with the right solution.

4. Have I tried different approaches to dealing with the situation or do we keep doing the same dance with each other?

It’s natural to try approaches that have worked for us in the past. It’s reasonable to believe that those approaches will work in similar situations. The problem is, everyone is not the same.  If you have been trying the same approach over and over again hoping that the other person will respond differently, it’s time to try a new approach!

5. What part did I play in creating the difficulties in this situation?

If you want to create change you must be willing to take responsibility for your part in the situation. Your part might be 100%, it might be 10% or anything in between. Whatever it is, own it. I guarantee that nothing will change if you don’t take ownership for your part in the situation.  Maybe it was something you did three years ago that set the two of you off on the wrong foot, or maybe it’s been a pattern in the way you have dealt with this person that has not been effective (yet you have continued with the same approach).

Tips for turning things around

1. Own your part in the difficulty by being honest with yourself about your own behavior, assumptions, and non-verbal communication.
2. Set a realistic goal for your next conversation (i.e., rather than saying “this needs to be 100% resolved the next time we talk” set a goal to “have a conversation where no one raises their voice or rolls their eyes”).
3. Work towards mutual understanding vs. winning the argument or getting your way.
4. Get curious. Ask questions with the intent of learning. Be willing to see things from the other person’s perspective.

Sticky situations can come up every day. There are plenty of opportunities to practice these new ways of thinking and behaving. Please let me know your thoughts!

Gail Finger is an executive coach and facilitator known for her ability to get communication unstuck. She has a proven track record of helping individuals to resolve conflict, getting teams functioning at the highest level, and helping leaders to be able to effectively coach and mentor others and make the hard decisions. Gail can be reached at gail@fingerconsulting.com.