I have always believed that it is possible for communication to go more smoothly than most of us experience in our day to day lives. Over the course of my life, I have extensively studied how people communicate with each other, when it works smoothly, and when it does not.

Most of us have experienced the frustration of not being able to “get through” to another person, being misunderstood by someone or having someone feel misunderstood by us. It happens every day in both our work and personal lives. Why does this happen so often, and is there anything we can do to prevent it?

The good news is that with positive intentions, curiosity, and a healthy dose of self-awareness, you can greatly reduce the number of times you get stuck in these cycles of misunderstanding and frustration.

Positive Intention

When we have a frustrating interaction with another person, it is not unusual to anticipate that future conversations will also be negative. We expect the worst and want to figure out how we can spend the least amount of time with that person as possible. We might feel that the other person is completely to blame for the past instances of misunderstanding. We need to recognize that entering into any kind of interaction with this negative mindset is doomed to failure.

If, instead, we go into the conversation with positive intentions, take responsibility for our own part in past difficulties and really try to hear and understand the other person’s point of view, it opens up the possibilities! Try to let go of the past and enter into the next conversation with fresh eyes and ears. If you can believe that you both have valid points of view, rather than believing from the start that the other person is wrong, the conversation will go much more smoothly!

Curiosity

Human beings are instinctively curious creatures. One way to improve communications between people is to enter into a conversation with intentional curiosity. We have to let go of any assumptions we might have about the other person and be willing to admit that there might be something we don’t know such as:

• the other person’s perspective
• a pertinent fact or data point

When we enter into a dialogue with a curious mindset, we are more likely to ask good questions that will lead us to a greater understanding of the other person’s perspective and situation. When this happens, it is much easier to find common ground and mutual goals. However, this can prove tricky to do as we often imbed our opinions into our questions. We try to take charge, asking leading questions such as “Don’t you think we should…” We instead should be asking questions about what we don’t know.

Asking questions about what we don’t know can make us feel vulnerable. That’s understandable as, in our society, we are most often rewarded for saying what we know, not what we don’t! However, by asking truly curious questions, we have the greatest potential for influencing another person or a situation because good questions can get people thinking differently. For example, instead of stating “That shouldn’t be the priority right now. The priority is….” ask a question like “Can you share with me why this is so important to you right now?”

Self-awareness

When faced with a difficult situation or problem, a common response is to become stubborn and dig in our heels about our opinions. This is rarely a useful stance. The only way that we can change our behavior is if we change the way we think about a situation. Try to be aware of your mindset and your assumptions regarding difficult conversations and conflicts. Believing that we are being “wronged” by someone who doesn’t agree with us is an easy trap to fall into. In most cases, it’s likely that the other person feels the same way you do!

Most of us are not aware of how often we base our decisions and action on assumptions. This is what invariably gets us into trouble with another person. For example, let’s say you and a peer competed for a promotion and your peer was offered the role. You now report to your peer. Because of the situation, there could be many assumptions being made on both sides. They might perceive that you are trying to sabotage them. You might perceive that your peer is out to get you.

Who’s right? Could be both, could be neither. But the only thing you can control is to be honest with yourself about your feelings and how you are behaving towards your new boss. Life is not always about being right or wrong. It’s about allowing yourself to see all possible truths in the situation and having the self-awareness that will allow you to move forward without letting your emotions get the best of you.

By using these three principles of communication  you can avoid getting stuck in these vicious cycles of frustration and conflict. If you already find yourself in such a situation, you can also use these principles to get your communication unstuck and back on track! Just remember: positive interaction, curiosity, and self-awareness!